Photophobia

2006-01-30T11:17:00.000-08:00

I'm moving forward, please, join me:

http://istammer.blogspot.com/

2006-01-16T18:51:00.001-08:00

Kev and I made a new version of ROCK -PAPER -SCISSORS

Its called, BIRD -DINOSAUR -GANGSTA

GANGSTA shoots DINOSAUR

DINOSAUR eats BIRD

BIRD shits on GANGSTAs head, thus totally humilliating him

Left GANG SIGN---Right DINOSAUR

Left DINOSAUR---Right BIRD

The cat is still obsessed with my stuff.

......and he just pooed in the hall way, EW KITTY BON BON!

2006-01-12T13:40:00.000-08:00

I am a blue blood
I will admit that
I dance in blue shoes and wear a blue hat
Live in a blue house
On a blue street
In a blue town
By a blue creek
I write my blue songs
With my blue pen
I sing the blue notes
To my blue friends
Now I don't that much about you
But I like you
Because you're true blue

I had a blue dream
About a blue star
In it I drove there
In my blue car and when I got there
I met a blue dog
With a blue tongue
We had some real fun
We bounced a blue ball
It broke a blue glass
We banged on blue drums and call it blue grass
I guess the thing I'm trying to tell you
Is that it's best, kid
If you're true blue

Once I had gangrene
I got it real bad
So the doc came with his black bag
I said 'You know, Doc, I dont feel swell,
if you had a blue bag, I think I'd get well..'
So he came right back
With a blue sack
He said 'Will this do?'
I said 'Why not, Yea"
That's why im here today
To tell you
That it's best, man
To be true blue

Out on the blue sea
I sailed a blue ship
I had a first mate
Always had blue lips
His name was Bluebeard
He had a weird twitch
He flew a blue flag
On a big stick
And we ate blue gill and we ate blue chips
Oh I felt real blue, eating that blue fish
Because there ain't much that I won't do
Unless it keeps me from being true blue

Once in a blue moon
There's a blue sky
I wear my blue jeans and fly my blue kite
Thing's like a bluebird, until the wind dies
And then the tears pour
Out of my blue eyes

If it's your birthday
We'll bake a blue cake
And then we'll eat it off these blue plates
'Cause kid I don't know much about about you
But I like you
because you're true blue

Yeah I don't know much about you
But I love you 'cause you're
True!
Blue!

2006-01-08T13:08:00.000-08:00

Somebody speak to me in a language I can understand.

I died some how and some how, Im still breathing...
Events.
Lets talk about events.
Events happen.
Sometimes, They are huge and life changing.
I had one.
The bronzed leaf of I is turning.
Twisted, Staggering, Heated and Burning.
Im really disappointed in myself. When I lost my mind, I let it get too far away from me. It barely seems reachable. I know it is reachable. To be completely honest, Im not sure exactly how to reach it. Does that make me stupid?
Being dead, it didnt matter how lost I was.
Now that I...well, you know...
People say I need to just suck it up and do it. Thats good and all, and thats probably the best way to do it. If I thought I could, thats exactly what I would do. But how do I do that? Where does courage come from and what happened to mine?
I know which path I need and want to take, but where is the gate way?
Can you lead me? Can you take my hand and show me?
Help me up, a pair of wings...
The breath of another Inflates these lungs.
Alive.
A life.
Can I pull one off?

2006-01-06T12:32:00.000-08:00

Every day,
when he finds you,
go upstairs,
let him ride you

Every day,
its a put down,
if its him ,
its a put down,
shut my eyes

Every day,
that i find you,
go upstairs,
let me ride you,

Everyday,
its a put down,
if its me,
its a put down,
shut my eyes
please shut my eyes...

2005-12-29T06:33:00.000-08:00

It wasnt a Charlie Brown Christmas after all. I moved out 2 or more weeks ago, drink every day and tomorrow is my birthday.

2005-12-14T08:43:00.000-08:00

some sketches...

The Ladies Of the Somnial

2005-12-11T08:25:00.000-08:00

MAke A Snowman

2005-12-09T17:37:00.000-08:00

MY FIRST RUM-BALL!
I ate it while playing a Natalie and Peter Original game

Peter says:
h
~ Bella~ says:
ha
Peter says:
har
~ Bella~ says:
harp
Peter says:
harpy
~ Bella~ says:
harply
Peter says:
sharply
~ Bella~ says:
sharplay
Peter says:
sharplayn
~ Bella~ says:
sharplayen
Peter says:
sharplayen - n. - a mystical animal whom did not make it to noahs arc, similarly like the unicorn. the sharplayen gave birth to a litter of mittens every christmas

Peter says:
q
~ Bella~ says:
qu
Peter says:
squ
~ Bella~ says:
squi
Peter says:
squir
~ Bella~ says:
esquir
Peter says:
esquire
~ Bella~ says:
esquirer
Peter says:
xesquirer
~ Bella~ says:
xesquirert
Peter says:
exesquirert
~ Bella~ says:
exesquirert- n. one who is radically fancy enough to leak or shoot more fluid than the average fancy man

~ Bella~ says:
g
Peter says:
gw
~ Bella~ says:
ghw
Peter says:
eghw
~ Bella~ says:
eghiw
Peter says:
eghiw - n - a moanlike noise made in reaction to a game of backgammon when the donkey's opponent calls him a dirty ass for cheating

Peter says:
v
~ Bella~ says:
vi
Peter says:
vip
~ Bella~ says:
vipe
~ Bella~ says:
that makes me laugh
Peter says:
vipey
~ Bella~ says:
lol
~ Bella~ says:
tvipey
Peter says:
otvipey
~ Bella~ says:
otovipey
Peter says:
ottovipey
~ Bella~ says:
ottovipey- aj. being knocked out so fast you dont know what it was that hit you, possibly a boxing german snake

~ Bella~ says:
le mew
Peter says:
le purr

2005-12-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

Trekked out across Lake Huron for an hour.
The lace on my skate broke.
You gave me the lace off your shoe.
Your long fingers made bunny ears and looped.
You kissed my knee and rose.
The strings that tie me to you bend me like a paper dolly.

2005-11-29T13:57:00.000-08:00

My Charlie Brown Christmas tree

2005-11-29T08:23:00.000-08:00

I was happy to read this in my mail box this morning.

Hey Nat

I just wanted to let you know that I am extremely proud of how you are doing. I
don't let you know it enough, not enough people do. I feel bad for not being
able to be there more. I wish I had a career that gave me more time to help
you. I don't and that sucks. I wish it was summer so I could be there more.
It isn't. But you are doing awesome. You will get through this all again.
Shit will be smellin' like roses soon. Keep in there. You are too smart and
too talented to let something like this beat you.

Keep doin' what you are doin' Nat and you will be back on the streets like a
pirate-hooker real soon.

I love you and I will always support you. Remember that.

Love ya
Parker

Thank you!

2005-11-27T16:24:00.000-08:00

I disgust myself. I feel like a human cigarette. Brian Wilson couldn't have done it better. I fucking, laid about all day. This was not my intention. I began my day by putting clothes on over my pyjamas and practicing chords on the guitar and I came up with the basis for my first song, but it doesn't sound the way I hear it in my head yet and my fingers were sore so then I started to paint and I fucked up royally, like ROYALLY I don't even know what I was thinking, the colors.......Holy piss!

BANG! BANG!

While laying on the sorry excuse of a couch, a love seat, which I don't even see how love has anything to do with that contraption, unless they were thinking you'd have to be in love with each other to get into the chubb squishing positions you need to in order to mess around on a sofa that small, and I watched the saddest fucking cheese movie ever. And I cried every 5 minutes for the last hour of it.
A walk to remember
starring Mandy moore as church girl and some fucking teenager as the boy teenager
anyways this is the worst horror show ever. Basically, bad boy falls in love with virgin girl and then virgin girl tells him she has leukemia and NO NO she doesn't just die, he does all this mushy romantic shit for her first then PROCEEDS to marry her has one lovely summer with her and then she croaks. Morbid.

So I needed to fluff myself up. Oui? So, I put happy songs on my head phones and took flea bag for a walk a.k.a. DANCE DANCE! I danced all the way up and all the way back and my heart was pounding and the blood was flowing and now I must bake cookies.

2005-11-25T14:49:00.000-08:00

Ali, this posts for you........

I think we should all go over to Ali's page and tell her we are so happy she is okay. She rolled her car this morning.

2005-11-22T18:17:00.000-08:00

Today I was in the shower and I sneezed really hard, it hurt. A few seconds later I sneezed again. This time Blood squirted out of my nose all over the tiles. I found myself wishing that it happened in Public, like at the mall, in the food court. That would have been cool. What are the chances of this opportunity coming up again?

2005-11-19T14:10:00.000-08:00

The dark tide slithered in slowly all week long, I bareely noticed it until the waters were waist deep. I began to wonder how I would pull myself out and save my life. Then I realized it wasnt me I was trying to save, it was some other girl who I dont even like. Cold in my veins over taking, this morning I drowned, again.
My empty body washed up and caught in the dumpster, hanging on, I am so ashamed. Hands over my head, face down I surrendered. I feel enormous guilt for everything I put everyone through. I dont know what happens but I split, am I foolish to believe that can hold it? Fall Back Open.

2005-11-16T09:10:00.000-08:00

Kevin came over the other day and made a CD, hes a rapper so now I have all this rap on my computer. Its high noon and I am listening to Jay Z and holding back the puke burning in the bottom of my throat. I just got a call back from a fucking cunt faced bitch psychiatrist that practices one and a half blocks away from me. She refused me as a patient so I called her back to ask why. A week and a half later, this morning, my call was returned. Her reason was that agoraphobics she has treated in the past had troubles being on time to the appointments and missing them because they were having a bad day and couldnt take the bus and what not. I informed her that I was a block and a half away and had no troubled past of missing appointments. That shut her fucking little cunt face up. I am in shock and awe that this is what it came down to. I am writing to the spectator, isnt it like illegal for a doctor to refuse help to one who asks for it? What if I was suicidal? My blood would be all over her dick touching hands. I decided I no longer need a doctor and will cure myself by rubbing moss on my forehead and taking off on random trips. I am now ... The Threat ...

2005-11-15T21:24:00.000-08:00

If you cant be bothered to read the whole thing because you just dont "get" it, then at least read the last para. I thought it was beautifuly poetic.

camp where the thugs they camp at
Two pounds a weed inna van bag
It inna your hand bag, your knapsack, it inna your back pack
The smell a give your girlfriend contact
Some boy noy notice, them only come around like tourist
On the beach with a few club soodas
Bedtime stories, and pose like dem name Chuck Norris
And they don't know the real hardcore
Cause Sandals a now back too, the thugs they have do what them got to
And won't think twice to shot you
Don't make them spot you, unless you carry guns a lot too
A pure tuff things come at you

When Trenchtown man stop laugh and block-off traffic
Then them wheel and pop off and them start clap it
With the pin file dung and it a beat drop it
Police come inna jeep and them cant stop it
Some say them a playboy, a playboy rabbit
Funnyman a get dropped like a bad habit
So nobody pose tuff if you don't have it
Rastafari stands alone!

poor people are dead at random
Political violence, can done! Pure ghost and phantom, the youth
theem get blind by stardom
Now the Kings Of Kings a call
Old man to Pickney, so wave one hand if you with me
To see the sufferation sicken me
Them suit no fit me, to win election they trick we
And they don't do nuttin at all

Come on let's face it, a ghetto education's basic
A most a the youths them waste it
And when they waste it, that's when they take the guns and replace it
Then them don't stand a chance at all
And that's why a nuff little youth have up some fat matic
With the extra magazine inna them back pocket
And have leisure night time inna some black jacket
All who not lock glocks, them a lock rocket
Then will full you up a current like a short circuit
Them a run a roadblock which part the cops block it
And from now till a mornin not stop clock it
If the run outta rounds a brought back ratchet

2005-11-14T20:11:00.000-08:00

Pretty much done, at least for today...

2005-11-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

Painting with Natalie,

Late last night from midnight to one I sketched out the figure on the canvas.

The Acrylic under painting Done this afternoon.

border="0" alt="" />

Starting in with the Oil Paints...

2005-11-11T07:21:00.000-08:00

A button came off my sweater yesterday and its perfect for taping over my eyes.
I'm onto you God. I don't mean the god GOD but the universe or what ever you want to call it, the entity that sways all things for all reasons. I have figured out some of its tricks and can now predict some stuff. Does that make me psychic? Perhaps not. Intuitive, maybe...
With the possibility of nine dimensions (aka. Possibly ten) crumpled up around me I don't feel so alone. Anything is possible. I will try to grow the senses one needs to sense such dimensions before I die. There is just so much and barely any time.
Day dreaming of South America. Will I get there one day?
To have some one proud of you is one of the coolest things. If you are ever proud of some one make sure you tell them.
The language of respect.

11.11.11.
This morning I took the moment of silence with my father, a Vietnam vet himself. We listened to the sad trumpet and the tear jerking bagpipes. They showed pictures on the TV of the soldiers in Afghanistan standing at attention with their fatigues on, I tell you the hole in my heart, the deep, concave, whirlpool sucking my throat down with it. Remembrance is something that has always been important to me since I was very little in grade one and learned what it was. Maybe because of my personal contact with it, stories from my father, boy I would weep with pride and loss watching him march in with all the WW2 vets, the lone nam soldier, but also I think its important to reflect on all the people just like you and I who did intense and scary things for a person to do so that we can have all that we have now (even though we are fucking it up royally) I mean every country has been at war in some point in time and we all know that I think it needs to stop, but it wont. Today isn't the only day I do this reflecting. I do it a lot. Especially in the summer on Saturdays in the back yard when my father drowns his pain in beer (and pot now), and shares his amazing stories and I tell him that I am sorry that it had to be that way. And when I see him looking at how old the vets all are and he realizes that he is now old too. And especially around Christmas and new years, he crys and tells me he doesn't know why its this time of years that gets to him. I think maybe he feels thankful that he can have this family Christmas stuff and his buddies, slaughtered, don't get to and maybe he feels a little guilty. Or maybe just the close call that maybe he wouldn't have this nor anything if it had been him. The realization of ones own mortality is an intense experience.
Funnily enough my Dad broke the silence before it was time to, but that's, okay I guess hes allowed.
I want to lie down on the grave of the unknown soldier and tell him that I am so so sorry that I will try my hardest to make it up to him, but thats in Ottawa and I am sure he knows, so I am making my Dad pancakes and Bacons instead.

One Love

2005-11-09T11:44:00.002-08:00

So this is what my graphic story board is looking like these days. I think it lacks style and what I really want to express, I am such a tight ass that way. There is no text nor format and a bunch of frames are missing. I think I need to losen up. It is my first atempt so trial and error is to be expected nes pas?

*update* a tornado touched down a few blocks from my house. Theres no place like home...

2005-11-08T07:56:00.000-08:00

I lied to when I said I was hard, because im softer than a thrift store
sweater and twice as worn in. I was cast away once but I will be found
again. this I promise you.

Yet another fucking quack fails to take a new patient.

Peace and Love
Nat
x!

2005-11-06T17:06:00.000-08:00

I just came in from a walk. Its dark and terribly windy. There were no souls on the streets. Once in a while a car would go by but they were nothing more to me than machines, the drivers lifeless. Robotics at best. I was listening to Yo Yo Ma, and felt as though I was on a large suburban decorated stage set. I have been thinking a lot about me, life and the universe lately. A lot. Obsessing you might say. Its wild how if you try to actually picture to universe, especially if really try hard to think about the actually universe, you cant. It lies on the edges of our minds, ungraspable. Just beyond of our reach, we cant wrap our little human minds around it. The meaning of life? Whatever, doesnt really matter. Reality? Which one? Yours, mine, his? Is it possible to change your reality just from thinking it through? What happens when our minds evolve and our society doesnt? I've out grown this one. I often wonder if I can think my way out of this one but all the doctors tell me its a combo of, do, make, say, think. What do they know? They dont know what I know. Old people do, mostly. Have you ever talked to an elder and they are like I went through that or did that or thought that. Do we all get basically the same blueprint in life with space and time differences?
This post is reminding me of the thin red line. The narration. Stop.

2005-10-27T12:37:00.000-07:00

I just went for a drive in the car. Just short, did what I set out to do and It wasn't so bad. I want to do it again, lets put it that way. I am watching DARE the new gorillaz video and I like the way the cartoon guy is shaking his ass. You guys should email me pictures of you shaking your asses and I will post them. Don't be shy, just do it, wear a mask if you have to.

2005-10-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

Last night we carved our jack-o-lanterns: from left to right, mine, barbs, kevs.
My sister cleaning out the guts that were cold like demon seeds.
Mine, I went for the classic PUMPKIN KING because he is very sexy ~ I mean sassy (of course I'm not attracted to a character! Silly!) ( yeah kinda I am)

2005-10-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

If I had to give some advice, I would tell you to EXPRESS YOURSELF, DON'T REPRESS yourself, madonna, she knows her shit. I'm not even kidding. I repressed parts of me my who life and it rotted me from the inside and this past year I crumbled in.
I have been digging deep because I didn't fully recover from my first nervous break down 7 years ago. So I obviously didn't get to the root of it. blogging has helped me to practice not censoring myself, which is a good start. I think I came down with the panic attacks for two reasons, 1. Being the chemical sensitivity (really just unavoidable), and 2. I wasn't on the right 'path' so my own body/mind tried to let me know. Its weird how everything is turning out this year. All these connections are happening without any of my doing. Like people from the past have gotten in touch with me, and certain people have lead to others (with out even knowing it) and the opportunities to right some of the things I feel the worst about. Its not like I was a big phony, its more like I have been myself the whole time but I never showed anyone any thing from me/about me. I was quiet and if I didn't think what I had to say was appropriate I just didn't say anything. I never told anyone what I really thought. I never let my family see who I was, I mean right down to the point where I would draw and photograph what I wanted in school and draw and paint different things at home. I think my family is very judgmental and it was hard because I am very different from them. They have no idea who I am, other than the daily happenings and routines. I fear being judged. Lately I have been talking back and telling them how I really feel. They don't accept it easily. But I have to not be sorry. They are a fucking shit load of crazy. They have bigger dysfunctional issues than I've ever had. "I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me!"
maybe there is a third cause in there, I'm not made for this type of life. I only function well in simpler times and lifestyles. Too much input, not enough output. There isn't even enough time in a day to output just what I see passing by CNN. I know a lot of people feel the same way but why isn't anyone rubbing against the grain, changing things? I want to start a colony community like the pioneers, like in the movie the village. That's how I want (need) to live. But how would I survive? Are you in?
right after this gets published I am sending an apologetic email to some one I hurt over 6 years ago. I hope its enough.

NEWS STAND = PEEP SHOW

Natalie says:
i think i am gunna play online poker

Greg says:
that should be fun

Greg says:
if you win

Natalie says:
ive done all my blogging

Natalie says:
i started with 2000 one day and in like five minutes i was at 25000

Greg says:
in credits, not money right?

Natalie says:
yeah

Natalie says:
lol
Natalie says:
i fucking wish

Greg says:
we all would

Greg says:
25 grand, imagine

Natalie says:
i would own this town

Greg says:
yeah, except maybe the "newsstand"

Greg says:
in this town, they have to be loaded

Natalie says:
ha ha

Natalie says:
ha ha ha

Natalie says:
!

Natalie says:
i love the "news stand"

Greg says:
haven't gone yet?

Natalie says:
I'm waiting for you

Greg says:
waiting for me?

Greg says:
I said I'd go when you first brought it up
cause I was 18 at the time

~you have no idea how many people i am waiting for to go to the "news stand"

2005-10-23T13:09:00.000-07:00

Man of Man! Some word association for you:

Kevin says:
party?

PONY says:
sleep over?

Kevin says:
pillow fight?

PONY says:
blood stain?

Kevin says:
blood sport?

PONY says:
sweat and spit?

Kevin says:
bareknuckle boxing?

PONY says:
bare butts?

Kevin says:
chaps?

PONY says:
shooting?

Kevin says:
horses?

PONY says:
ponyboy?

Kevin says:
SE Hinton?

PONY says:
hunter?

Kevin says:
prey

PONY says:
dinosour!

Kevin says:
awsome!

2005-10-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I was watching t.v with my sister and the long trailer for the movie broke back mountain was on. For those of you who don't know its about queer cowboys. In the long trailer there is a part where heath ledger is crying and hugging Jake gyllenhaals cowboy jean shirt. Yeah, so, it made me cry. I teared up and I was laughing at myself and I looked over at my sister and she was red eyed too. I asked, and she confirmed that yes, we are in fact getting our periods soon. But love is sweet even between two men...With wives and children. unhuh.
my friend from high school, Melinda, and her boyfriend Seth from Tulsa Oklahoma whom I was meeting for the first time visited from Los Angelas. We haven't spoken in almost 6 years. It was soooo good to see her. She is one of those people whom I often think of and wonder how she is doing and it was nice to find out that she thinks of me often too. Then last night zorica brought over DVD's of this cartoon invader zim. Very funny cartoon. zim reminds me of peter h soooo much. Peter you have to track it down and watch it. I swear you'll love it. And everyone else too. Ali came by and I've missed her and I wanted to hug her but she was soo sick and soo germy. I expressed my feelings in a healthy manner. Then I had brutal violent dreams. A huge family Christmas party (rave actually) and I was going around slashing their throats and crushing the backs of their heads with a bent lead pipe-ish thing.

2005-10-18T19:09:00.000-07:00

Remember my infected heel? Well the scab came off and I put it in my pocket and took it over to east 31st and buried it in some ones lawn. Now when I go over there I know there is a piece of me there already and always. And NO I don't expect it will grow another Natalie or anything. I just wanted it to be there. Naturally.

I would like to state for the record that I have no humps nor lumps.

My student and I went out in the neighborhood and sketched trees and talked about death and dying. She is a nurse in the I.C.U. at the hospital, so she had so good perspective.

Last night I dreamed I was Paris Hilton and was staying at the same hotel as Nicole Richie and we scrapped it out in the lobby.

2005-10-17T13:22:00.000-07:00

I made goal yesterday. I walked to my friend Zoriies house all by myself. And stayed and talked through 2 panics. It felt amazing even though I haven't been feeling amazing. I have cried everyday for a week. Feelings of desperation and just shear fear racing in my head. Today I am trying to get my mom to take me in the car maybe if I face something today tomorrow will be easier. I am paying my sister $100 a day to not leave me alone this weekend. I cant wait until Therapy starts. I was listening to this song by azure ray and we all know I miss my violin, but now I want to be sexy and sing and play guitar. Tomorrow my sketch student and I are going out in the neighborhood so that I can teach her how to sketch trees.
There was a very good discussion today on this support for panic/ anxiety folks called...Oh shit what's it called? Oh yah ENcourage.

This is what was posted:

For those of us who have had PAD for a long time (me over 20 years)

Now I am just rambling here but this is how I work stuff out so forgive me if I am all over the place!

WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE CONTINUED TO STRUGGLE WITH PANIC AND ANXIETY?

My take on this from a personal point of view has been Shame Based:
Being seen as weak
Being judged as "Crazy"
Abnormal and freaky a "Fruitcake"

And another thing I realised I DONT LIKE IT WHEN I SEE OTHER PEOPLE IN DISTRESS??? and perhaps if when I Panic and I look DISTRESSED that will be mirrored back at me and make me much worse.

Have *I* kept PAD going without knowing I have?Consciously of course!!

The reason I believe this is something Debbie said in response to my last post - that she like me only ever had real Panic in her home...

I wonder Debbie is this because we feel COMFORTABLE in our own space therefore its *SAFE* to Panic we wont be judged,wont cause a scene (Christa and Scott and my kids might be use to seeing us like this so accept it even though it troubles them to see us like this, they react in a way that doesn't make us worse and we can work through it COMFORTABLY)

One of my biggest concerns about Panicking in front of people is *THEIR* reaction to me!!!

When I was a kid and anything happened to either myself or my brother or sister my parents would have this HUGE OVER EXAGGERRATED response thats how I remember it....Thats how I LEARNT to be anxious and Panicky it was mirrored back to me....

I felt like they failed to keep me safe EMOTIONALLY, yes they may have taken care of the situation as most parents do - but their response was DRAMATIC and it always left me feeling so terribly insecure!!

When I had my own children I made a CONSCIOUS decision for their Emotional health NOT TO RESPOND LIKE THIS!!

But INSIDE I was falling apart and PANICKING.....
So was this a good thing to do ???

After all it CAME OUT IN THE END and it presented itself as SHEER terror in a Panic attack - Did I see this as weakness? Was I really protecting my kids?

I know that growing up I didn't feel SAFE, PROTECTED, SECURE, HAPPY...I felt AFRAID and the only person I had to depend on to make that horrible feeling of ALONENESS and TERROR go away was ME *I* was the only person who could be trusted with that responsibility and what happened EVEN I FAILED.... This is what I meant in my earlier post about TRUSTING ourselves -

I NO TRUSTED MYSELF with MYSELF!!!

Gosh hope this rambling makes sense to you I have made a Huge breakthrough here!!!

Chrissy.xox

AND THIS IS WHAT I POSTED:

this is where I am at too. Even in full relapse mode. Now having this new fear of being alone, thinking constantly who can I run to should I need to. It feels like a crack habit and I am constantly focusing on my next fix. I am emotionally wrought right out. I cry everyday and am desperate for relief. I am trying to figure out why I am no longer okay with myself and how I can become okay with me right now. I guess its good that I am at this point though I feel not ready to be, because I am only 25.

2005-10-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning marisa came by to shoot some clips for the documentary. I got to wear a power pack and a lapel mic that I put in too much of a sexy place (I thought the idea was to not see it) but I was wrong and she laughed her ass off at me. I pinched her ass. She loved it. I took her on my route and she did like creative shots of my feet going and shit and my skull shoe laces. I showed her my infection, my buttons and modeled them both. I showed my wet pitts from nervousness. I haven't really done too much TV. It was fun, I was a little stiff at first, its hard to talk about your life with out branching in other topics and wandering. I drew up my invites to my poker night. Then I went for a walk with Kevin and we discussed this really deep shit about how I need to take responsibility for myself and how I am afraid to because I think I cant do it and that's probably why I have panic attacks all the time. I think if I can get through this I have a good chance of being cured for life. I am going deep, way down inside the putrids of my psyche. The followings may be tough for you to read about, don't say I didn't warn you. So the first thing is to get my self esteem in check, by way of positive thoughts. I change all of my negatives into pluses; I am writing them down but don't have enough to pull examples yet seeing as I just began this morning and only have 2.

2005-10-09T20:39:00.001-07:00

Today was thanksgiving and I am thankful that dispite the shit I have to deal with, I've stayed sassy. I am also thankful to all of you who give suport to others when they see fit. You guys change lives and most of time you wont even know it. Spectacular hearts guys. My sister came for dinner and she is sleeping over. This brought up an issue that I have yet to discuss. Part the reason I blog about my problems is so that I dont have to talk about them. If you choose to read it then whatever, its your choice right. But I hate, HATE, when people ask me about how my recovery is going and so I tell them, and they get that bored disconcerted look in their eyes and just go "un-huh, well maybe it would help if you dont talk about it all the time and dwell on it, you are going to push people out of your life if you are totally absorbed in it." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT? Yes! Please! Ask me and then throw it in my face. Maybe this is what Ali meant when she said that she thinks the people around me are holding me back. Granted she was stoned but still, could my family be standing on my coat tails...no, no...possibly the reason why I have these types of problems in the first place? The same type of reasons Mike became no good for me, he was negative, didnt believe in me, with-holding and disturbing to say the least. Why cant you guys be my family?
You know what I else I hate? Movies that start with a fuck scene.

2005-10-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening My friend Kev, who goes for a walk with me most evenings, and I crossed traffic to walk on the other side of Queensdale for the first time, and we made a blocks progress in one week. It was exhilarating. I was so proud standing on that side of Queensdale. I like how when the ball gets rolling it snowballs.

2005-10-06T06:40:00.000-07:00

So last week I called for intervention help from a therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist. I called all the hospitals first and its been almost 2 weeks and no one had called me back. So I called the big anxiety clinic back this morning and the lady to whom I spoke to last week was like, "oh my, I am sorry, it slipped my mind, I totally forgot, thank you for calling back, I will get on top of that right now." I was kinda pissed. I know people make mistakes but....Ever heard of post it notes?! You are messing with peoples lives here, what if I had gotten suicidal while I waited?! I continue to be kinda pissed so I am going to do some of my own detective work this morning.

On CNN right now a little boy of no more than 2 or 3 took off on an adventure into the woods all by himself. One of the searching officers, heard coyotes howling in the distance and instinctively knew that the coyotes were looking for the baby boy. So he tracked the coyotes half a mile, scared them off and there was the little boy crying to go home. I wonder if the coyotes would have a)taken him home, b)raised him as one of their own, or c) savagely eaten him.

2005-10-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I went for a very short ride in a car, short but a ride non the less. And with the help of a friend I will be going again today and tomorrow. It was the first time being in a car (my most feared thing) since well, June I guess. I am now a soldier in the kiss army. But NOT THAT kiss army, the KISS MY ASS panic army. Yes I am fucking pissed. I hate that I let myself get this bad and I just cant take it anymore. I cant live like this. I started this blog for people who are going through the same shit I am and I know you people are finding it because a bunch or you have contacted me. Let us not take the role of victims anymore, let us assume the position of warriors. I am here to kill the part of me that sabotages me..... And I want to dye my hair blue oui or non? Hot Pink maybe? Im thinking of using that photo for the cover of my graphic novel.

2005-09-29T12:33:00.000-07:00

I had a terribly difficult weekend. That's it! The lull is over, time to push myself hard. Shove myself if you will. This is a photo I took on a walk one night last week.

2005-09-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

2005-09-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

Last night I finished off a role of film and I cant wait to show some of the pictures from it. I wish I had a digital slr. fak fak fak. I am about half done my first graphic short story and started developing characters for my next story. I have been giving drawing lessons to one middle aged woman and she seems to think I am doing great. Now I want more students! I have a comfortable walking route, its not long but it gets longer each week. Most of my hard work goes into the home alone thingy. I also have had some one agreed to me doing their portrait. I will start that in couple weeks. I have to make sure he understands that having your portrait painted is an intamate thing, it can make some people feel uncomfortable being starred at for hours. He is really beautiful and I hope I can do it justice. I had to see my ex today, I thought is was going to be easy peasy janapesey, it wasnt too bad, but I didnt expect to want to kiss him the first time I saw his eyes, I guess some habits die hard. It was the first time we had seen each other since the day we broke up 2 months or so ago. A package had gotten delivered to his house addressed to me, and he kindly dropped it off. He forgot my other stuff, I gave him everything of his back.

2005-09-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

Some of The roughs from my graphic short story.

2005-09-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

That last post reminded me of the song, "and if a double dekker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is a heavenly ways to die. And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us, to die by your side, well the pleasure, the privilege is mine. " Seeing as how peter thought it reminded him of wooly bully or whatever he said. Anyways, I'm sorry if you find it all mushy and shit but I am fascinated by love and not in that girl romance valentines way. In fact I wish there was another word for it because I hate saying love. I have done drugs and felt a lot of different things in my little lifey and I have to admit, love, real love, feels the best. There's nothing like it. Its become a lone standing goal: Spread the love. (but don't spread the herps') . Are you feeling me now people? Love addict. It rules almost all that I do, and I only say almost because I haven't thought enough about it to say for sure yet. There might be other secret motives I haven't recognized yet. I'll let you know. Its natural and real and when I am croaking I want to look back on my life span and be like, 'Fuck, that felt so damn good.'
And my hair stopped falling out from stress. I guess I am heading towards chillin again, and it looks good on me.

2005-09-12T15:24:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I stayed Home alone for 8 hours and while I felt nervous, I didn't get panicky. I am very proud, but I still anticipate staying home alone. Tonight I feel sad and lonely. I know that almost all of us feel like this at some time, some more often then not, some all the time. The universal question is not why do we feel this way, but why cant we make each other not feel this way? Alone with everyone. I know that I personally am afraid of strangers and touch and what their touch means. Who taught me this? And why were they afraid? And who taught them? You may read my blog and think that I am a depressed person who sulks, but the truth is, I am really happy and everything is very beautiful, so much so that it hurts. I used to be negative, then I had a glimpse of what it looked like on other people and it wasnt pretty. I changed to become positive. Positivity gets you everything. I love you and you are beautiful, please see that.

2005-09-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

My Dad went to the dentist and my Mom went grocery shopping. So I was here alone and I had this major panic attack. My blood was buzzing and my heart-beat was freaking out. My body went all tingly, not just parts of it, ALL of it. I didn't know what to do I thought of calling my sister, but what the fuck would that do? Nothing was going to stop this. I faintly remembered something about how I am supposed to "ride it out" and breathe. Then I was livid. I yelled out, "I am so sick of this fucking shit!" The panic subsided. I am just plain tired of walking around trying to make my anxiety feel safe. This is good. This may work for my benefit. I am tired of this. And also on the plus side I kind of like sorting this stuff out on my own. I don't feel like need anyone's help desperately anymore. I still think it could speed things along, but you know, if I do this on my own in a thorough fashion then I might just kick it for good. I was going to draw a happy face on my arm but I am too damn mad.

2005-09-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was home alone for 5 hours and I didn't have any happy faces on my arm. The highest anxiety I felt was Like a 2/10. I also invited like 10 people over to my house and I got real nervous right before people were supposed to arrive. I was worried that I would have a panic attack while they were here and it would be embarrassing. It got to the point where I wanted to call it off. But I didn't. I kept telling myself that regardless of what happened they were nice people and even if I threw up or needed to lie down that they wouldn't judge me. And you know what? It worked! I felt fine as soon as the first person showed up. I had a really good time and I think everyone else did too. I did feel embarrassed to say that I couldn't go up the street to dairy Queen with everyone. Very embarrassed.

I am currently trying making some graphic short stories. I will scan some roughs onto my blog. Tell me what you think?

2005-09-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

So this is how it happens: daily when I go walking alone, I add 5-6 meters/an hour onto my route distance. I kind of hate how its not that much, but its some thing and I have to be proud of that. However, recently I acquainted myself with the other side of the street. The strip has turned into a loop. I like how I've done it on my own and with no help what so ever. It very funny how it trains my subconscious triggers and where I was once uncomfortable I am now not. I can jog/run slightly further than I can walk and I can bike further than I can run.

2005-08-31T10:57:00.000-07:00

so its been awhile, nothing has really changed I can go a little bit further walking alone. Getting better at a crawl. I changed my hair to blonde (picture taken with camera phone, I don't actually have purplish skin). Other than that, meh, things are pretty boring. Maybe its time for some bigger risk taking. Non?

2005-08-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

I fucking rock! I am actually starting to see results now. Pushing past the panic. I came up with this technique to help me when I am home alone; everytime I push past the panic on my own without calling some one or trying to get out of the situation I draw a little smiley face on my forearm so that when another panic comes I can look down at my arm and see that I made it through previous attacks so I can do it again now. It really does help. I have been home alone for 6 hours and I have 3 smileys faces on my arm. I have another hour to go.

2005-08-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

My Goal at this time is to survive.

2005-08-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

WOW! If life is a roller coaster I just rode the KINGDA KA! Its no secret that I feel alone or rather feel lonely. Nor is it classified information that I am terrified 95% of the time. This evening they both snuk up on me at once and I was so sad. So so very sad. Tears were dripping out my eyes every time I blinked. My face wasn't crying but my soul was. Yeah, that's a good way to explain it. Soul Cry *TM. I have been hurting so bad these past few days and I got desperate. I phoned Mike. He was busy though so we didn't talk. Which actually turns out to be a good thing. He may call me back but maybe not. I doubt it. Which could be a good thing. Anyways, after getting off the phone with him I felt I need help so much that I looked up a map of the Psychiatric Hospital in my area. I cant control my thoughts, feeling nor body. I need help. Wait a sec. I think that if you look over my blog retrospectively you will see that this whole thing is not only sad pathetic and depressing, you will also find that it really is just one big cry for help. Oh-kay, back to today, I was looking at the mental hospital grounds to see what they are like and crying. Then my mom came in and goes are you crying? I just didn't answer, there is no point I cant talk to her. She asked what the matter? Again I say nothing. So she screams at me so hard that I have no choice but to defend myself and we get into it. Hardcore show. I wanted to harm her. I felt like my head was going to bust. She took off out the door saying, and I quote, "I cant Help you!!!!" I say, and I quote, "you could help me, but you refuse to because you are a fucking cunt! Goddait BITCH!" -nice I know.
So now I am in crisis. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
I called COAST CRISIS LINE. They talked to me like a normal person usually does and they actually listened. This is key. Together, we make a 24 hour plan and the lady tells me I am worth a lot and to call back anytime I need to specially if I am thinking about death and I cant swap thoughts. Good. Then I need a reality check so I call Kevin from the comments box. I tell him what happened to make it real. Its nice to hear 2 friendly voices one familiar. Kev and I laughed about my crisis, I felt better, then I barffed. And now I am hungry for the first time in days.

2005-08-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

Its so weird. I want so much out of life. Maybe even too much. I was listening to my friend talk about how shit she thinks her life is yesterday and I found myself getting so pissed off because I would give anything to trade lives with her. She has so much to work with but doesnt want to help herself. She out right refuses to help herself and admits that she doesnt want to. I fucking wish her problems were my problems. They seem like a picnic to me. She takes everything for granted. A lot of people do. Then I did.
I found myself in the shower trying to think of the fastest least painful way to end it all. I've had thoughts of suicide being my only way to make it stop before. I am sure everyone has. But, I never tried to think of a method. The thought seemed intrusive because its not my style to give up like that. I feel that this path I am on is approaching that place. I told my sister last night about this stuff, I think my exact words were something like, 'I think that this is how people start to feel before they kill them selves.' and she said, 'I dont want to talk about this right now. I am tired of talking about your anxiety.' which is kind of funny because I try not to talk about it. Thats why I blog it. So no one has to hear it. I already know that they dont want to. You guys read it because you choose to. I wouldnt it must be a drag.
I openly admit that I need and ask for help, but I dont think there is any for me. I think I have to do this on my own. It feels wrong but its what everyone keeps telling me.
I can do this on my own, it so easy after all.
I still find things funny and beautiful and all that, so maybe its not as bad as it seems.
Each time I feel this bad I get a little better. Its like something has to collapse so that I can rebuild it.

2005-08-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

I havent entered anything in my blog for some time. I have been feeling very mixed up sad and confused. I am now officially a dysfunctional member of society. I met with my social worker today for the first time. She was nice and helpful, but I couldnt help but feel ashamed of myself for not being able to function like everyone else. I am growing exhausted of panic and thoughts of suicide plague my days and nights. I feel I have nothing and no one. Literally, I have support from other sufferers and some friends but unless its another face to look at directly it feels like empty efforts. I'm sorry everyone. I think I didnt really know what loneliness was. I am beginning to understand. I hope that I will be able to rely on myself some time soon. I'm just lost right now, right?

2005-07-30T14:55:00.000-07:00

I found this on the net.

Don't get hooked on drugs as a way of curing this..it is a product of your mind and can be resolved by applying your mind to it the right way..not will power, but deep insight.

2005-07-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

I guess I am beyond desperate and pathetic because I can honestly say I would pay some one to hold me for awhile without any shame what so ever.

2005-07-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

MAIL

this shows me mike is not worth it...i know it sucks and you thought he was and you thought he'd be able to handle this, but he clearly can't...that line about wanting to live, Bull-fucking-shit...you are one of the most alive people that i konw, and even when you go through blips like you are right now, you still have more life in you than half of the boring fuckers out there
...mike is clearly not worth it or he would never ever ever abandon you when you need him the most...if someone is truly committed and truly loves someone, they are there through everything, the ups and the downs, the going out and the being forced to stay home

nat, you need someone to love you, to help you, to cherish you and most of all to support you and accept everything that goes on in your life

2005-07-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

i'm broken. he promised he would never leave me (again because he tried once before) that he "could never leave me and that i didnt have to worry about it". my heart literally feels like it shrank into a hard little golf ball. i feel i have nothing. totally alone. and i'm scared of being alone. i took the chance and he gave up on me. i didnt even really get a fair chance, 2 months, thats all. he said "he wants to live". he said 'would it be easier if there was some one else?' and i asked 'why is there?' he said 'no'. he said 'he hates hurting me'. i called him a coward. all over the phone.

i have so much pain coursing through my body i want to rip open and bleed it all out.

2005-07-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

Are all anxiety/panic sufferers addicted to sugar? The more I read the posts on the message board the more I am thinking so. It seems a lot of people have taken sugars out of their diets and succeeded in lowering their anxieties. This seems also true with artificial sweeteners. Its worth a try but...What else is there to eat? Whole grains and protein? Vegetables but not really fruits? I need to get my ass in gear with this exercising thing. When I was exercising 30 mins everyday, I felt great and had less anxiety. Come to think of it, when I stopped cold lazy turkey, is when things went bad on me. uh oh...

I want to have fun again. I want to go to the theaters. That is one of my favorite things to do. I am getting just plain sick of this whole suffering thing. I realize now that its up to me. Its all on me baby. If I want to go to the movies I have to make myself not be scared anymore. Its almost like I am two people. I have lost some personality to this thing, I refuse to lose anymore. I am going to find what I lost and make more, (meaning build on it) STARTING RIGHT NOW!

I am so pissed off. At all of it. At everything it brings with it. I am crawling out of the rubble with an anger so thick it forms a metal spike of stability in the center of my being. That's right, you heard me, FUCK THIS SHIT!

Panic what Panic? I have no panic. I am not her. No, wait, that's not going to work. Well maybe it would but it depersonalizing is not healthy. Ever read when rabbit howls?

I feel anxious, so what. I am stronger than it and bigger than it and scarier than it. Not having a personality is scarier than a panic attack.

I want to play poker at my sisters. I want to go for long walks. I want to spend the night with mike. I want to make money. FREEDOM! YA! Let the rage in. I am out.

2005-07-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

Mail

Hi there Natalie we haven't met, I have been a member at encourage for 3 yrs now but haven't been around for a while but I read you post and just felt I should say hi and introduce myself.

I hope its okay but I did go to your blog and have a read. I love the way you write, and it is great to be able to hear someone be honest I LOVE honesty also.

I have had Panic and anxiety for over 20yrs and I have been agoraphobic for 7 of those years, I am not housebound and I live a relatively ordinary life I have raised 3 children amidst panic and survived an abusive lonely marriage which I ended 3 yrs ago.....
When I read what you said about your boyfriend it touched me I understand as many sufferers do the solitude of living with Panic no matter how much we TRY to explain we are fundamentaly ALONE with panic, like sometimes I wish i could just "plug" people in to my head and they could see for themselves the Irrational thoughts and I wouldn't have to explain the reasons why I "Cant take" certain meds and BOY oh BOY the "Toothpaste thing" you mentioned I so "Get it".....

I am actually in the middle of writing a book about Panic and anxiety...it isn't a self help book or a technical,medical guide just a few insights from a fellow sufferer, a few lightbulb moments and even a few giggles I know that sounds impossible but you know i have kept my sense of humour over the years and it has helped.

Sounds to me like you are doing all the right things taking baby steps and giving yourself praise and encouragement and thats the KEY you need to keep going towards that goal.
Sadly you might NEVER be the same again I know that is hard to come to terms with but look at it like this...there must have been something about the "old you" that HAD to change otherwise you wouldn't have started having Panic??? thats the way I look at it and it stops me striving for the unreachable.
Some people also claim to have found the cure - there is NO cure - and the sooner we accept that the sooner we can learn to "manage" our lives better.
You also mentioned being assertive and as i said earlier I was in a an abusive marriage for many years and STOPPED being assertive for my own safety and my childrens...I am a strong person but I lost the ability to "Care" for myself, its a long story but basically I am climbing out of the pit slowly.
I hope you dont mind me emailing you I just felt a connection to you and wanted to reach out and let you know you are definately not alone.

Thank you reader, I hope you dont mind that I posted your letter. I liked what you had to say. I will get in touch.

2005-07-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

Mail

Natalie,

You know where I am coming from. I love my girl friend to death and yes, I don't understand what is going on with her as Mike doesn't with you. If Mike were to read this I'd tell him to be patient, it is so worth it in the long run. I was frustrated, sometimes angry, totally confused as he is but if you let it all go, even for a few minutes when hes with you, it makes you both feel comfortable with one another again. Afterwards you can let go more easily. The one thing I must do is just be there. That's it. Being in her presence and not doing ANYTHING somehow relaxes her a bit anyways. You want to know what it is like for the other person? Sometimes I am more sad then she is. Not because of anything she is doing to me or to herself but in the fact that I am totally helpless for once in my life. It's really, really hard for a man to be at the mercy of helplessness Nat. We are supposed to be strong, to be providers and taking that away from us confuses and scares the crap out of us. Throw us a bone once in a while, give him a task even if you don't really need it.

Thank you dear reader.

2005-07-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I woke up with an out of the blue attack. These are the ones that start it all. They are true panic attacks with all the symptoms hitting you hard all at once lasting 45 mins beginning to end. They only come maybe once a year, once ever couple years when I was younger.
I woke up feeling burning hot, in anticipation of what was coming I decided to get my work book because sometimes it helps to read some of it to remind me that I am not going to die because you really do think you are going to die. I got half way up the stairs and I knew I couldnt go any further, I had to lay down. My heart was beating like it was hitting the inside of breast plate. It was all echoey. I lay down on the couch trembling feeling defeated. I stopped trying to control it because I really thought that there was nothing I could do, it had gotten past that point of no return. Then it turned and started going down. I was so pleased that I let out a little laugh and smiled. By accepting it I killed it. I have never killed an out of the blue before.

2005-07-15T17:57:00.000-07:00

I like when I ride my bike and recall all those long bike trips I have taken up north, in Burlington and in Ottawa. I can almost sense an under lying peaceful sensation.

I did what I set out to do. I rode to Ali's alone and I went in. When I got there I said that I didnt think I could come in. I couldnt have done it without her laid back approach to coaxing (that always works). She even offered me a prize. A great big canvas. I could have stayed longer and of course now I regret not staying longer. Not necessarily the prize but the being laid back about it really helps because if you are laid back/I am more laid back. Like My boyfriend for example, he gets kind of up tight sometimes angry (he says not angry at me but at the anxiety because there is nothing he can do to help me) when I am anxious and it makes it worse.

I need to work on changing my automatic thoughts some more and myself confidence. I feel like a push over especially when in the midst of conflict. I want to stand my ground, be assertive. Sometimes I am afraid that if I tell someone off they will leave me. I want to tell my bf that he can help, its simple and tell him how, but I am scared that I would be asking too much or find out that he doesnt want to even hear it let alone do any of it. I cant talk to him about any of this stuff. He says 'its all we talk about' but that is B.S. we talk about everything under the sun and you know what this is a big part of life right now. I feel like I have lost his support. I think I have. Like I used up all that is allowed already. Its like instead of being actively involved he is just standing on the side lines waiting for me to get better so that he can be happy. Hopefully we can work this stuff out soon. My sister said dont even bother trying with him because he will never understand. I personally dont know what to think. Any thoughts on this matter would be greatly appreciated. I dont know what its like for someone with out anxiety that has to be around someone with it. What can I do to help the people around me?

2005-07-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

So my sister is gone now and I spent a lot of time alone this week. It was hard but I think I did well. I watched my panic go up and down and I think it will help me when I am out in the field. Today when I went for my bike ride I had to stop and chat with a neighbour. It was uncomfortable but I'm glad it happened. I can almost go to the lights on my bike "walking" mike home. Half a block more. I just cant wait for when I can do it comfortably. It still makes me fussy.
Tomorrow I am going to Alicia's house for her birthday BBQ. Which I can ride my bike to her house all alone. That kinda feels cool to say, even though its just up the street.
My relationship with mike is corroding. He really believes there is nothing he can do to help me. Which is bull shit. There are many things other people can do to help me and my kind. Education is key.

I took almost half my clonazepam dose this morning in an hour and a half. I crushed it up. Almost half way there.

I have to try and remember that my home is in me. Thats Important.

2005-07-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

I wanted to say this while its still fresh. I remember when I used to "walk mike home" and I could only walk back 2 houses by myself. Not that long ago. Today when I "walked" him to east 31st, I walked back with my bike, I didn't boot home like I usually do. I got off my bike and walked. I took my time and felt the anxiety and was ok with it. It made me really happy and I finally felt like; "hey maybe I can do this"! Which I don't feel very often. I am definitely aiming for the lights next time. I am coming back, I can feel it little by little and that makes for one happy girly. Still unstable but....you know....a start is a beginning.

2005-07-09T19:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I had 2 hours of exposure. Home alone. The panics came and went in waves. Nothing over a 3/10. I didn't put off taking a shower while I was anxious. And I have been using the type of tooth paste I had been scared to use because of poisoning. Though I do rinse my mouth very well after to get it all out. So over all it went well.
I exercised my heart pounding symptoms a little today and later I am going to continue to learn how to relax my body and my mind.
I miss 'real life' though I cant really remember it. I know I used to do a lot of things like shop, work, go to the movies, hikes and eat in restaurants. That was only 6 months ago but it seems that it wasn't this me, it was some other me. I am tired of making excuses and telling people I am ok when I am not. I wish I could hire someone to go out with me everyday and practice. I don't even have any money. So really I wish some nice person would offer to do it for free out of their own good heart. They would have to tell me they want to help so I don't have to feel guilty. I'm tired of feeling guilt from not leading a 'normal' life. I am sure that I am more normal than a lot of people, just my brain fires off the wrong chemicals at the wrong times. Now days almost all the time.
Mesa wants to start filming her documentary on Monday. This should prove to be interesting as I am wavering around between kicking panic ass, suicide and joining the fine compounds of the mental hospital. I just don't know which one to choose.

2005-07-08T14:29:00.000-07:00

This is a response I got that said a lot of things I think about honesty. . .

Firstly, keep posting here AND writing in your blog. I listed your blog in my Favorites, and I read it daily. Just wanted to let you know. I appreciate the effort you put into creating it, and your beautiful photos.

I am a person who wants to read a person's feelings, to know that someone is risking being honest, personal and sharing deep pain online. I want to share deep feelings online, and so far in my exploring blogs. I've found that almost no one is willing. If more people would share their truth, the world would crack open and humanity would heal. Suffering needs to be acknowledged; that way people would make more of an effort to end the conditions that create suffering. Truly compassionate people do not allow other beings to suffer.

I applaud all the baby steps you keep trying to make; don't be too hard on yourself.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I think the phrase "risking being honest" says it all.

So in response to my own problems, I made a schedule for all the things I need to work on. I made a focus for each day.

Sunday 1:30 hours exercise

Monday Forcing meds

Tuesday Internal sensations

Wednesday Exercise 1:30 hours

Thursday Forcing meds

Friday Exposure

Saturday Exposure

And each day I must make some effort to walk alone and have one hour at least of total relaxation...More like relax lessons because I have to learn to relax first.
So today my goal is to expose myself outside for 1 hour. Thats bike/walk in circles if I have to. Even though I feel silly in front of my neighbours.

2005-07-07T16:12:00.000-07:00

Oh god I am struggling so bad and so are all my relationships. I'm having problems even staying home alone. I feel trapped because I cant face the outside world. I need help but have exhausted all my resources i.e. friends and family. I cant go on like this. Gwen hasnt returned my call yet. I cant get that god damned pill down throat. My sister is moving out this weekend, I need her here, I need help. But like I said I cant ask for it. I know everyone has their own lives to lead. I know that and I feel guilty. So guilty. But working on this alone, my progression is so slow, I need help! I will beg for it. Too much pressure. I am having chest pains for a few days now. I am just as scared of taking the clonazepam as I am checking into the mental hospital. And thats scary shit. I will probably get in with a roommate that pisses on floor and giggles or lights themselves on fire or something. I had to ask my mom to stay here with me tonight. That is so sad that I cried. The attacks are terrifying. Why cant I get a handle on this? Who the fuck am I? The anxiety is taking over my whole being and there is not much of me left. Is this what suicide feels like? Holy shit, I'm scared.

2005-07-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

I called the psychiatric advocate office today to see if I can get some help. A lady named Gwen is supposed to call me back. Nataile has good days and Natalie has bad days. It even says that on my all my childhood report cards.

2005-07-02T13:39:00.000-07:00

Ok time to get back on track. I crossed east 31st today with Mike. First time since winter. Possibly as far back as January. It's only one block but it feels great to finally have something to feel proud about. Today I can say that I am no failure. Mike also said he was proud of me for the first time in years. That meant a lot to me. Its like I had been holding my breath waiting for him to say that and I could finally let it out.
Next, to the lights! Then the park. But first around the block with my bike. That is the next big* goal.
*the term big is used loosely.

While out walking today I didnt let my anxiety get over 3. Where I only become aware of my hearts beating but its not racing yet, and I only feel slightly choked, enough to start the dizziness. I think that if I were to sort of train my body with cardio exercise to feel the heart pounding and hard breathing it could prove useful out in the field. I could feel the symptoms as I do when I do cardio and recognize that they will subside, just like the come down after I've exercised. If I could get my body used to feeling these sensations daily, they may prove to not be so scary when out in the field. Not to mention it might help my brain chemicals stabilize some what.

Marisa wants to do her documentary for college on me and this recovery. I think its a fine idea. It could prove to be very interesting and helpful to me and educate others.
She can take me out and film my little freak outs. Capture and expose my nervous ticks that are the only signs I am experiencing a mad amount of discomfort. I touch my face and neck a lot, squeeze and pick at my hands, scratch my arms and if you have ever seen the Aviator; that little cough-clear the throat thingy that Howard Hughes does when he gets upset. I had to laugh when I recognized that sight as my own. Well done Leo.

That is one of my favorite pictures that I have ever taken, It has companion piece...

2005-07-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

I acomplished nothing this week. I am pure chicken shit.

2005-06-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

This afternoon Mr. Rogers was episode #1704 Brave and Strong. It was ment for me. The was a song called Brave and strong with very memorable lyrics. I now have a song to sing to remind me of what needs doing when out and about. This will work. I know it.
I am realizing that nothing is different and that I have done it all before. Therefore I can do it again. The symptoms are not any stronger, its my will what is weaker. When did I become so weak? and Why? More importantly, what can I do to become stronger.

2005-06-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

2005-06-25T08:09:00.001-07:00

2005-06-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

2005-06-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

I went to the store about five or six blocks away with my sister and mike by car. I had to pump myself up about it because I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety. It got really hard just one block away I wanted to say turn around, I cant do it. But I kept my mouth shut and dealt with it. By the time we were actually in the store I felt okay. I guess because the worst part was over. It's the car rides more so than actually being in the stores. I used to feel safe in the car. Like if I was at a mall and I felt uneasy, I used to be able to go sit in the car and feel better. Now, I guess because of my stupid car accidents, I don't feel safe at all. This is what is bothering me most, How can I get over my fear of car crashes? I know how to go about getting over all the other fears, but this one, I don't know how I can make myself feel safer. Accidents happen. There is no controlling them. I am just ultimately scared of death I guess. Or maybe its the trauma I fear. The pain? I handle pain very well I think. But, I don't like that my body can mash up. That I am made of only soft tissue and fragile bone.

2005-06-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

2005-06-22T17:46:00.001-07:00

2005-06-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

Today I went further on my bike then ever. I can almost do my entire street on either side. Almost. I can feel going around the whole block alone approaching. Soon. Soon. Wow I cant wait. I had this whole argument with my aunt on the phone this afternoon. She was saying that I have got to go out there and just do it. I kept telling her, I am doing my best and that doing it alone will take a lot longer. No one sees my progress because a lot of it is in my head, changing the way I think and react to the attack symptoms. I need to be able to rely on myself when I am out there in the field. I need my head to be capable of being straight and telling my body to handle and stop the rushing sensations.

I also saw on the news that there is an A.P.B. out on a sex offender who kept a diary log of all 36,000 assaults he committed on women and children. And I thought to myself, I am so glad that I don't have those kinds of problems. My problems are not so bad compared to what some people have.

2005-06-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

2005-06-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wanted to take some plants up the street to Linda and Ali. Mike walked up there with me. About one house away from the destination, my anxiety symptoms rose. I wanted to leave the plants on the lawn and run. I knew mike wouldn't let me do that. So I cut across the lawn diagonally instead of going around because that would prolong my experience. And Instead of knocking on the door, waiting for an answer and having a nice chat, I left the plants by the mail box. I came down the driveway and by the time I hit sidewalk it was subsiding. I felt better and asked mike if we could go further in the other direction - try to go half way around the block. We got half way around the half way of the block and I decided I'd had enough. My period is coming and I felt too tired and too miserable to deal with it. Today I feel the same. Regular scheduled programming resumes tomorrow. Taking as much Clonazepam as I can stuff in my face. Good luck to me.

2005-06-18T15:20:00.002-07:00

2005-06-18T15:20:00.001-07:00

2005-06-18T15:20:00.000-07:00

2005-06-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

2005-06-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

I once read that all the contributing factors for agoraphobia have to be just right at the perfect time to form. When I was 18 and diagnosed I had never even heard of a panic attack, though looking back now I had one when I was 13 in Florida on the beach and one at a blur concert when I was 16. I honestly just thought I ate something rank.

This afternoon I rode to around the corner and up one house past the mark of yesterdays pole. This is progress. I was feeling good and wanted to push it a little further. I turned out of my driveway and to my right there was an awful sounding crash. I quickly faced the source and saw a smoking sedan skidding and a black truck spinning out. My heart dropped. I hate car accidents. I have been in two and witnessed two in the past 3 years. I recognized the smoke as being from the airbag deployment. The same chemicals that once had burned my own neck and chin. There is a certain sickening smell that comes with accidents. It's acidic and quickly turns my stomach.

I wanted to ride over to see if everyone was alright. I swear to god it was just two houses further than I can currently go. If the neighbor's from the closest houses hadn't of come out with cordless phones then I would have for sure pushed my self and suffered the anxiety to go help. I would have only been a spectator and I am sure the people in the cars wouldn't have wanted that. One of the spectators that was there came walking my way and I asked her if everyone was okay. It turns out they were (which is great), one man was taken to the hospital suffering some chest pains. It could had been from impact or maybe it triggered a heart attack or it's a symptom of anxiety. She also added that it was the man who lives in the house across the street from me. I had waved to him pulling out of his driveway in his truck not five minutes earlier. For just a smidge, I wondered if I had jinxed him.

I was just watching to kill a mocking bird, a story I have been familiar with since reading it in grade 10. The scene in the courtroom, after the trial ends, when all of the colored people up in the balcony seats stand up and the reverend says to scout, 'stand up jean Louise, stand up, your father is passing.', always kills me. I always try not to cry from the pure pride I feel for Atticus.
Ladies and gentlemen, Atticus Finch.

2005-06-16T07:43:00.000-07:00

I have been off work since february. I havent left my property in a month. My recovery starts like this: Two days ago I began walking back and forth in front of my house, up to the next telephone pole each way and riding my bike to the corner and up three telephone poles. My goal each day is to go slightly further. It feels like a sick joke.

2005-06-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

2005-06-16T07:40:00.001-07:00

2005-06-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

2005-06-15T18:38:00.000-07:00

A DISORDER OF THE BEHAVIOR
Life for me has become more pictures than words. These phobias got me down. I cant write, I cant think straight. I 'm in for the biggest challenge. I'm in for some nitty gritty and making lots of changes. More than I can imagine. I am trying to suck down these pills called clonazepam. Of which, by the way i have developed a fear of. I have been eating tiny lil' pieces and slowly building up. Today I had 6. Tomorrow I aim for 7. Its stupid really because obviously I am scared of experiencing the panic symptoms and not being able to control them. However these pills dull the nervous system so that I cant feel panic. At least not after it kicks in. Its gay, I dont even get it.

2005-06-15T14:52:00.000-07:00

2005-06-15T12:13:00.002-07:00

2005-06-15T12:13:00.001-07:00

2005-06-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

2005-06-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

2005-06-14T15:33:00.003-07:00

2005-06-14T15:33:00.002-07:00

2005-06-14T15:33:00.001-07:00

2005-06-14T15:33:00.000-07:00