so its been awhile, nothing has really changed I can go a little bit further walking alone. Getting better at a crawl. I changed my hair to blonde (picture taken with camera phone, I don't actually have purplish skin). Other than that, meh, things are pretty boring. Maybe its time for some bigger risk taking. Non?

I fucking rock! I am actually starting to see results now. Pushing past the panic. I came up with this technique to help me when I am home alone; everytime I push past the panic on my own without calling some one or trying to get out of the situation I draw a little smiley face on my forearm so that when another panic comes I can look down at my arm and see that I made it through previous attacks so I can do it again now. It really does help. I have been home alone for 6 hours and I have 3 smileys faces on my arm. I have another hour to go.

My Goal at this time is to survive.

WOW! If life is a roller coaster I just rode the KINGDA KA! Its no secret that I feel alone or rather feel lonely. Nor is it classified information that I am terrified 95% of the time. This evening they both snuk up on me at once and I was so sad. So so very sad. Tears were dripping out my eyes every time I blinked. My face wasn't crying but my soul was. Yeah, that's a good way to explain it. Soul Cry *TM. I have been hurting so bad these past few days and I got desperate. I phoned Mike. He was busy though so we didn't talk. Which actually turns out to be a good thing. He may call me back but maybe not. I doubt it. Which could be a good thing. Anyways, after getting off the phone with him I felt I need help so much that I looked up a map of the Psychiatric Hospital in my area. I cant control my thoughts, feeling nor body. I need help. Wait a sec. I think that if you look over my blog retrospectively you will see that this whole thing is not only sad pathetic and depressing, you will also find that it really is just one big cry for help. Oh-kay, back to today, I was looking at the mental hospital grounds to see what they are like and crying. Then my mom came in and goes are you crying? I just didn't answer, there is no point I cant talk to her. She asked what the matter? Again I say nothing. So she screams at me so hard that I have no choice but to defend myself and we get into it. Hardcore show. I wanted to harm her. I felt like my head was going to bust. She took off out the door saying, and I quote, "I cant Help you!!!!" I say, and I quote, "you could help me, but you refuse to because you are a fucking cunt! Goddait BITCH!" -nice I know.
So now I am in crisis. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
I called COAST CRISIS LINE. They talked to me like a normal person usually does and they actually listened. This is key. Together, we make a 24 hour plan and the lady tells me I am worth a lot and to call back anytime I need to specially if I am thinking about death and I cant swap thoughts. Good. Then I need a reality check so I call Kevin from the comments box. I tell him what happened to make it real. Its nice to hear 2 friendly voices one familiar. Kev and I laughed about my crisis, I felt better, then I barffed. And now I am hungry for the first time in days.

Its so weird. I want so much out of life. Maybe even too much. I was listening to my friend talk about how shit she thinks her life is yesterday and I found myself getting so pissed off because I would give anything to trade lives with her. She has so much to work with but doesnt want to help herself. She out right refuses to help herself and admits that she doesnt want to. I fucking wish her problems were my problems. They seem like a picnic to me. She takes everything for granted. A lot of people do. Then I did.
I found myself in the shower trying to think of the fastest least painful way to end it all. I've had thoughts of suicide being my only way to make it stop before. I am sure everyone has. But, I never tried to think of a method. The thought seemed intrusive because its not my style to give up like that. I feel that this path I am on is approaching that place. I told my sister last night about this stuff, I think my exact words were something like, 'I think that this is how people start to feel before they kill them selves.' and she said, 'I dont want to talk about this right now. I am tired of talking about your anxiety.' which is kind of funny because I try not to talk about it. Thats why I blog it. So no one has to hear it. I already know that they dont want to. You guys read it because you choose to. I wouldnt it must be a drag.
I openly admit that I need and ask for help, but I dont think there is any for me. I think I have to do this on my own. It feels wrong but its what everyone keeps telling me.
I can do this on my own, it so easy after all.
I still find things funny and beautiful and all that, so maybe its not as bad as it seems.
Each time I feel this bad I get a little better. Its like something has to collapse so that I can rebuild it.

I havent entered anything in my blog for some time. I have been feeling very mixed up sad and confused. I am now officially a dysfunctional member of society. I met with my social worker today for the first time. She was nice and helpful, but I couldnt help but feel ashamed of myself for not being able to function like everyone else. I am growing exhausted of panic and thoughts of suicide plague my days and nights. I feel I have nothing and no one. Literally, I have support from other sufferers and some friends but unless its another face to look at directly it feels like empty efforts. I'm sorry everyone. I think I didnt really know what loneliness was. I am beginning to understand. I hope that I will be able to rely on myself some time soon. I'm just lost right now, right?